


I've Got My Demons

by RobinsonsWereHere



Category: Psych
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bad Decisions, Cheating, Consensual Infidelity, Don't Like Don't Read, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, Innuendo, Making Out, dark themes, emotional angst, endgame shules, jules is married to declan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 01:57:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21046412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/pseuds/RobinsonsWereHere
Summary: Juliet should never have fallen in love with him. She'smarried,for god's sake. But the heart rarely listens to the brain, or even the conscience.And as much as she hates herself for having an affair... she loves Shawn just a little bit more.





	I've Got My Demons

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not here to glorify infidelity. Cheating is bad, no matter what. Shawn and Juliet make bad decisions, and I've tried my best to not have there be excuses, because nothing excuses infidelity. In short, this fic has dark themes that may make some uncomfortable. Don't like, don't read.

Juliet O’Hara absolutely despises infidelity. Of her serious boyfriends, two had cheated on her, and she’d broken up with them as soon as she’d learned that- no apologies accepted, no second chances given, nada.

As a teenager dreaming of true love and soulmates, she would never have guessed where her future would take her. First, she’d become a cop, and devoted herself fully to that career. When she ended up across the country with a shiny new badge and not much else, she’d met a literal Mr. Perfect. Declan had bought her nice things, from fancy jewelry to work suits that actually fit her. He’d taken her on dates that forced Juliet to take time for herself, to relax. He’d met her parents, who’d loved him. He’d proposed with a ring that probably cost more than her college tuition.

Of course she’d said yes, what else could she do? She’d lived in denial and bliss for a year before realizing her marriage was missing one crucial element: love. Everything had gone quietly downhill from there.

So no, Juliet’s life hasn’t gone as expected. Here she is, not even thirty, quietly buttoning yesterday’s shirt and stepping into yesterday’s slacks as she prepares to leave not her house but the Psych office. Shawn is asleep, and no longer filling her ears with things that allow her to push the wrongness of what they’re doing- what _she’s_ doing- to the side. A ball of guilt lodges in her stomach, threatening to turn into self-loathing if she doesn’t get some coffee.

Juliet sighs, takes one last look at the sleeping man on the couch, and leaves for work.

\---

Shawn spins slowly in his office chair, squeezing a stress ball in his hands. It’s late, well, later than he normally stays at work. All of his work is done, even the paperwork. There’s no real reason for him to be here, but he’s… stalling. Waiting. All of the above.

Juliet might not come tonight. She might be going home to her husband, like she should. Shawn’s heart twists.

God, he’s got it so bad. He lo- he needs her so much, needs to hear her laugh and see her smile and feel her kiss. But at the same time, he couldn’t possibly hold her down. He knows she feels horrible about cheating on Declan, and he knows if she ever decides to end the affair, to go back and be a faithful wife, he won’t stop her. Of course he won’t- he’d never dare to hold her back or pressure her in any way. Still, if she ever left, she’d take his heart with her.

Shawn groans. _enough introspection for one night._ He stands from the office chair and grabs his coat, but just as he’s reaching for the door, it opens.

Juliet, all of five-five in her heels, doesn’t even let the door close behind her before she throws her arms around his neck and pulls him down for a lengthy kiss. “I’m glad you’re still here,” she pants when they separate. “I needed that.”

Shawn holds her close, running his fingers lightly over her spine. The silky, high quality fabric of her blazer taunts him, but he won’t take it off her unless she tells him to. This is primarily out of respect for Juliet, but also, he really likes it when she tells him what to do.

“I wasn’t sure you were coming tonight,” he murmurs into her hair. 

“I didn’t want to tell him I was ‘working late’ again… but then I really did have to work late, so…” Juliet sighs and steps away from him, her eyes falling to the rings on her finger. “God, this always feels so horrible.”

Shawn dares to reach for her, covering her hand with his. If it blocks the rings from her view, well, oops.

“If you want to stop…”

Juliet shakes her head, and he thinks she blinks back tears. “No. I could’ve gone home tonight… I should have, but I didn’t. I’m here.” She looks back up at him. “Are you?”

He’s standing right in front of her, so, duh, but he knows what she means. Slowly, he steps forward, and then presses his lips to hers in a hot, slow kiss. “Always.”

Juliet’s fingers curl into his polo. “Then I need you, right now. Please.”

\---

The thing is, Juliet reflects, this isn’t something so easy as a physical, passionate tryst. Sure, she might be lying here, sweaty and naked, in Shawn’s arms, but that’s barely half of it. 

Her marriage is, for all intents and purposes, perfect. Her husband is kind, he’s at least attentive in bed, he buys her nice things and tries to make sure she’s happy. But she hasn’t fallen in love, and she doesn’t think he has, either. For all of the diamonds in the world, he can’t make her smile like Shawn can, with an 80s reference or a stupid joke or a cheery nickname.

It’s horrible, really, that she’s happier with him than with her husband. _Well, happier if you leave out the near-constant guilt._ But Shawn treasures her and makes her feel like she’s perfect and she thinks this might be what it feels like to fall in love. That terrifies her, yes, but it keeps her coming back.

For now, though, she’s worn out enough to let her guilt and fears and doubts fade away. Tired from work and sex, she rolls over, buries her face in Shawn’s shoulder, and falls asleep.

\---

“Shawn,” Gus asks, rifling through the office kitchen one morning, “Why is there a can of dry shampoo in the dish towel drawer?”

His friend takes a minute to answer. “Because that’s the drawer closest to the mirror, duh.”

Gus scowls at the mention of the mirror. “Yeah, well, count this as another reason why having the mirror in our kitchen is stupid.”

Shawn picks up a pen and pretends to mark a tally on a paper scrap on his desk. “Yeah, yeah. You know the lighting in the bathroom is too dim for me to do my hair. You didn’t like my ‘full-length mirror on the office wall’ idea either. You have to give me something.”

“Shawn, we don’t want a full-length mirror where our clients will see it. That just screams ‘vanity’!”

“I could’ve used it to talk to the spirits, Gus!”

Gus gives a heavy sigh. “For the fourth time this week: you are _not_ psychic.”

Thankfully, Shawn soon lets up on the arguing- only after Gus threatens to hold the Froot Loops hostage, of course. When he’s pouring the cereal into bowls, Shawn wanders into the kitchen. Gus can’t help but notice two or three buttons missing from his shirt.

_Huh. Weird._

\---

Some nights, Shawn falls asleep upset and exhausted, worrying about and wishing for Juliet. But not tonight. Tonight, she’s here with him, and he’s very happy about it.

At the moment, the beautiful blonde is in his lap, removing her work suit. The fact that she’s straddling him is greatly inhibiting his ability to focus, but then she gets her shirt off, and focus he does.

“Damn,” Shawn mumbles, taking in her deep purple bra. It’s silky to the touch, trimmed with lace, and lifts her breasts in a _very_ attractive way. He shouldn’t ask, and yet…

“He buy this for you?”

Juliet turns red and looks down. “Mhm. Um. It was- it was an anniversary present, last year.”

It’s like stabbing himself with a knife, but Shawn continues to run his fingers over the lingerie. He can’t see or feel a single seam, and the material feels impossibly soft. No doubt it’s more expensive than anything he could ever afford. “Well, I guess he has good taste,” he mumbles. “It looks great on you.”

Juliet gives him a quick, false smile, and then reaches around to undo the bra. Shawn is totally on board with that.

Between making out with Jules and making love to her, Shawn stays happy for most of the night. It’s only once she’s asleep, curled tightly around him on the couch, that darker, less welcome thoughts come creeping in.

Shawn isn’t the type to be jealous, usually. But this… this thing with Juliet is different. He has her, but at the same time, he doesn’t. He can’t. And Declan, this practically mythical guy with a fortune and some good looks, can. Declan gets to say he’s married to Juliet, to hold her in public, to buy her things that she can wear without worrying about people noticing. Declan has everything Shawn wants… except, maybe, Juliet’s love.

To be clear, Jules hasn’t explicitly said to Shawn that she loves him, but she has said she doesn’t love Declan. And Shawn thinks that maybe, just maybe, the way Juliet stares at him with those soulful blue eyes and says nothing, the way she reaches for his hand for comfort, the way she laughs at his stupid jokes, means she does love him. That’s what he needs to believe… because he’s in love with her.

He’s in love with a married woman who is so, _so_ out of his league. Great.

“Nice going, idiot,” Shawn whispers to himself. “Nice going.”

\---

For once, Juliet has actually spent the night with her own husband. Now she’s eating her breakfast at the table with him, in a silence that’s more comfortable than most days.

“Got any interesting cases at work?” Declan asks. “That you can tell me about?”

Juliet smiles slightly at his wink. “Well, they’re all interesting, in one way or another. But one you’d think was cool… they’re renovating the lighthouse up near the Carpinteria Bluffs- remember, we’ve been up there for a few picnics?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s pretty.”

“Mhm. Except, the foreman thinks the house is haunted, which is definitely below my pay grade, expect there’s unidentified human blood all over the basement.”

“Damn.” Declan looks surprised. “I guess if it’s haunted you’ve probably got the Psych guys working on it, too.”

“Yeah, we do.”

“How are things with Shawn?”

Juliet chokes on her sandwich. “Wh- what?”

“You mentioned a bit ago that he could be frustrating to work with. Is he behaving?”

_If only you knew._ Suddenly, Juliet isn’t so keen on finishing her sandwich. “Pretty much. If I glare at him, he shuts up.”

Declan chuckles. “Oh, I’m sure.”

She forces a smile, trying to act normal. “I’ll have you know I can be _very_ intimidating.”

“O’h, I’m sure,” Declan answers, glancing at his watch. “Anyway, I gotta run; I’ve got a meeting with a client in an hour. Bye, hon.”

Juliet accepts his quick kiss- it’s got less warmth than when Shawn kisses her on the _cheek_\- and waves goodbye, heading back to the bedroom to find her blazer.

Sighing, she shakes her head. _It’s a sorry state of things, when I can’t stop thinking of Shawn even when I’m here with Declan._

\---

Gus normally checks in at Central Coast Pharmaceuticals before heading to the Psych office, but today, the office is closed for renovations. So he’s early arriving at the Psych office, but to his surprise, Shawn is already there.

“Shawn! How did you get here so early?”

“Gus,” Shawn answers, looking like a deer in headlights.

Gus narrows his eyes as he realizes Shawn is wearing jeans and no shirt. “Shawn, did you sleep here?”

“Gus, don’t be a-”

Gus takes a step further into the office, looking for a pillow or blankets on the couch, and can see through the half-wall. To his surprise, he sees Juliet O’Hara in the kitchen, only slightly more dressed than Shawn. Her shirt is on but open, and he can see that she’s frozen in the act of applying concealer to what looks like a hickey on her collarbone.

_What the heck?_

“Shawn,” he asks slowly, “what’s going on?”

“Uh…” his best friend fidgets. “Um, you’re dreaming. You haven’t woken up yet, and as a matter of fact, you should go home and go back to bed.”

Gus glares at Shawn. “Shawn, I’m not dreaming.”

“Want me to pinch you?”

“No!”

Shawn doesn’t even attempt a pinch, which only adds to the feeling of wrongness slowly ensnaring Gus. For a minute, the heavy, awkward silence grows, and then Shawn looks through the wall at Juliet.

Juliet has now finished her makeup and is tucking her buttoned shirt into her slacks. She only nods. “Um, hi, Gus,” she says, walking through the doorway to join Shawn.

Feeling like a broken record, Gus looks from Shawn to Juliet and back again. “What the heck is happening!?”

Juliet looks at him, then looks away, tugging at her ponytail. “I- we’re having an affair.”

Gus might have misheard her; she’d mumbled from the start, and her voice had gone even quieter at the end of the sentence. “Sorry? Are you serious?” He scowls at Shawn. “Shawn, if this is a joke, it isn’t funny.”

Juliet fidgets with her wedding ring, still not meeting anyone’s eyes. “I know I’m a horrible person, and believe me, I feel like it.”

“Uh, yeah, you definitely are,” Gus agrees.

Shawn glares at him and reaches for Juliet’s hand. “Don’t say that, baby, you’re amazing.”

Juliet pulls her hand away as soon as he touches it. “I- I have to go.”

Gus isn’t quite finished. He can’t _believe_ they would do this, either one of them. “Where does your _husband_ think you are?”

Juliet flinches at the word. It’s Shawn’s turn to glare. “Dude, c’mon.”

“I honestly don’t know,” Juliet murmurs, her voice quiet and wretched. “I told him- I told him I was working late. And if I don’t leave now, I’m going to be late for work. I have to go.”

They both watch in tense silence as she dons her blazer and rushes out, nearly slamming the door behind her.

Shawn folds his arms across his chest. “Dude, what the _fuck.”_

“What did you expect me to say!? ‘Oh, congrats on being stupid enough to sleep with a married woman, Shawn, you’re even dumber than I thought’?”

“We’re not just sleeping together, Gus, it’s- it’s- it’s complicated!”

“Yeah, must be, all that sneaking around and hiding from everyone!”

“Gus, are you really mad at me for having an affair with Jules, or are you just mad I didn’t tell you?”

“Both! If you’d told me, I could’ve told you not to!” Gus begins ticking things off on his fingers. “She’s married, to a super rich socialite, we have to work with her, we could all lose our jobs, she’s married, you’re terrible at functioning even in normal relationships, she’s married-”

“Okay! I get it! Do you think I don’t _know_ this is the stupidest of all stupid ideas!? I _know,_ Gus! But I can’t walk away, I just can’t! I started falling for her the minute I met her, before I even saw the ring on her finger. Yeah, this is wrong, and bad, but being with Juliet feels, so, so good.”

Gus sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t believe you, Shawn. I don’t have the energy to do this right now. I’m going for a walk.”

It isn’t until his hand is on the doorknob that Shawn speaks. “Gus.”

“Yeah?”

“You- you won’t tell, will you?”

“No, Shawn. We keep each others secrets. I might hate that you’re doing this, but I can’t exactly stop you.”

Shawn’s sigh of relief is the last thing Gus hears as he walks out the door.

\---

The next couple of weeks don’t go so well. Shawn and Gus have a few more arguments, which is shocking in itself, as they rarely have more than one serious fight in a year. They stop trying to get onto SBPD cases, because Shawn doesn’t think Gus would work with him if he asked and Gus has no desire to be even part of the reason that Shawn and Juliet spend any more time together, romantically or no. 

Shawn is sitting at his desk, a paused game of Tetris on his computer screen. He picks up his cell phone, then sets it down again. He’s been doing this for the past half hour.

A few minutes later, when he’s once again picked up the phone, Gus looks up at him and scowls.”Shawn, get over yourself.”

“Gus, don’t be the crater of doom.” Shawn chucks his phone through the over-the-door basketball hoop. It clatters to the ground. “But I guess you’re right. Calling Jules is a bad idea.” So he keeps sulking, wondering if he’s scared her off for real.

_I can’t blame her for going back to Declan. I’ve been expecting her to come to her senses practically since we started this thing. But I kind of thought she might say goodbye…_

Briefly, Shawn entertains thoughts of heading to the station to get on a case and then have an excuse to spend time with Juliet, if only to clear up where they stand. But he knows she wants them to keep their personal relationship out of their professional one. If she’s avoiding him, he should leave her alone.

So leave her alone he does, for almost a month. And then, one night, that all changes.

Shawn’s enjoying _The Terminator_ and a bucket of caramel drizzle popcorn as a ship-sinking tempest rages outside. Usually, when he can’t sleep, he takes his bike out, riding up the coast until he hits the city limits. But tonight's storm is the kind that nobody should be out in.

As Sarah Connor is trying to hide out in a nightclub, Shawn hears a light, fast rapping at his apartment door. He pauses the movie and goes to answer it, his brows furrowing.

At his door, absolutely drenched, and swamped in a raincoat a full size too big for her, is Juliet.

“Jules,” he breathes, shocked.

“Shawn.” She gives him a tight smile, only meeting his eyes for the briefest of moments. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he breathes, shock stealing his voice. “Of course.”

She steps through the doorway into the dimly lit main room. Shawn helps her out of her coat and she leans on the dining table, taking deep breaths. “I shouldn’t be here, I’m sorry, I just- I needed to see you. It’s so fucking horrible, but you- you-”

Shawn steps closer and begins to rub her back. “Shhh. It’s okay, Jules. You’re okay.”

“You make me feel okay,” she whispers. “Most of the time I can’t believe I’m doing this, I’m trapped in an endless loop of self-loathing and guilt, but when you touch me, when you say my name… I know what I’m doing is terrible, but when you’re here, it matters a little less.”

Shawn nods and pulls her into him, kissing her damp hair. “Don’t worry, Juliet. I’m here for you, for as long as you want me.”

She only nods and then stands on her tiptoes to kiss him.

“So, wanna do something romantic?”

She gives him a teasing smile. “What could possibly be more romantic than tearing off our clothes and squeezing onto the couch in the Psych office?”

Shawn chuckles and kisses her cheek. “Jules, this is the first time you’ve been to my place. I gotta show you everywhere, not just the bedroom.”

She blushes, but nods. “Alright… start with that amazing window over there. You can practically see the whole city!”

Shawn grins and nods. “Yeah, this place is at the lower end of the price spectrum because it’s ex-industrial. The middle of that whole wall of windows rotates on an axis so they can open… but we don’t want to do that tonight.”

Juliet stares out the window for a while, then slowly paces through the rest of the open floor plan area- his kitchen, living room, and dining area. “Wow, nice digs,” she murmurs. “Big couch.”

“Yep, got it for cheap off UCSB campus last May- and by cheap, I mean free. It’s very comfy.”

Juliet takes a seat, noticing the bucket of popcorn and paused movie. “Shawn,” she asks, “what _is_ your idea of ‘something romantic’?”

“Cuddling on the couch with an eighties movie, of course,” he answers. “I’ll even share my popcorn.

Shawn’s brand of romance is so unlike Declan’s, and Juliet revels in that. This close, casual intimacy is what she wants from a relationship, not a new thousand-dollar bracelet every week. She holds Shawn close and pays attention to the movie, mostly to keep herself from paying attention to her thoughts.

Once the movie is over, Juliet begins peppering kisses over Shawn’s neck and up to his ear. He turns off the television just as she sucks at his pulse point. His strangled gasp is a very rewarding sound.

“Jules,” he groans, as she slides a hand under his t-shirt.

“Shawn.”

“You’re so fantastic, baby. God, keep doing that.”

Juliet does, leaving a red mark near his collar, and letting her hands roam over his chest. “Take me to bed, Shawn.”

“Absolutely.”

She wraps her arms around his neck, switching back to gentle kisses everywhere and making it clear she’s not planning to walk. Shawn understands, and scoops her up into his arms before carrying her to the bedroom.

It’s a long, satisfying night. Juliet thinks it might be close to dawn by the time she’s dozing off. And then Shawn, who’s still playing with her hair, whispers something she thought she’d never hear.

“I love you, Jules.”

She shouldn’t say it back. She shouldn’t even be falling for him in the first place. Hell, he probably thinks she’s asleep; he might not even be expecting a response. But exhaustion, both physical and sexual, makes her tongue loose, and the words fall easily from her mouth as she lays on him.

“I love you too.”

\---

Shawn stares fearfully at the burning building, the flames too bright against the night sky. The woman he loves is in there, and in the weeks since he’d told her that, they haven’t even discussed it. This is _not_ how he wanted them to end.

“C’mon, Jules,” he whispers, scanning the shadows for any signs of movement. Finding none, he bounces on the balls of his feet, then slips under the police barricade. “Chief, let me in there!”

“What? No, absolutely not. What are you doing here?”

Shawn falters, realizing he has no legitimate excuse for wanting to go after Juliet. He half-heartedly holds up his hand to his temple. Karen only shakes her head and stares at the building. “I don’t think that will help us now.”

Shawn, Gus, and the chief all stand there, watching the fire burn. And then, movement. Before they know it, Lassiter and Juliet are within sight, dragging cuffed criminals with them.

“Thank god,” Karen mutters. Shawn silently seconds the sentiment. 

The criminals are handed off, and EMTs check on the detectives and then, finally, Shawn reaches Juliet. The hubbub of the scene is busy enough that he risks pulling her into his arms, and she immediately plants her face in his chest.

“Jules,” he breathes. “Jules, thank god.”

“Shawn,” she answers. “I’m okay. But you can’t- we shouldn’t-”

“I know, Jules, believe me, but please just let me have this, okay? I thought- I thought you were going to die,” he admits.

“I’m okay,” Juliet repeats. “I’m okay, Shawn. I’m right here.”

For a minute, he’s able to just hold her, to reassure himself that she’s alive and well. Then, he sees a tall figure making his way through the crowd- a man dressed in civvies, and high quality civvies, at that. _Shit._

Quickly, Shawn steps away from Juliet, but she doesn’t see her husband, and she reaches for his hand. Shawn shakes his head slightly, and then she does turn. He sees her whole body stiffen when she, too, identifies Declan.

“Juliet!” He calls. “Juliet, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” she manages. He draws her into his arms. A green-eyed monster rears inside Shawn, and the psychic notes that she doesn’t relax as easily into her husband as she had to him.

“Uh, goodnight, Jules,” Shawn says, waving awkwardly. “Glad you’re okay. Get home safe.”

“I will, Shawn, thanks,” she replies, not meeting his eyes. “See you at work.”

“Uh, yeah.” Shawn makes a quick exit and finds Gus standing with his arms folded and an eyebrow raised.

“What?”

“You know what.”

“Gimme a break, man,” Shawn groans. “She almost died.”

\---

Juliet wakes slowly, cozy in 1000-thread-count sheets. Sunlight is barely filtering in through the multi-layered, gauzy curtains over the glass french door to the balcony. She rolls over to face her husband, to find him already awake and smiling at her.

“Morning, beautiful,” he says. Juliet finds herself genuinely smiling, and she’s honestly relieved.

“Good morning,” she replies.

“Hey, I was thinking,” he murmurs, reaching to stroke her cheek, “you had a hard night last night. Surely your coworkers would understand if you took a day off… we could stay in all day, and put that new album you like on the sound system. You’ve been working so much lately that I feel like I hardly ever see you.”

Juliet bites her lip. Of course, work isn’t what’s kept her away. If her own morals weren’t already making her feel horrible for that, his soft, caring smile definitely would. 

Maybe she should spend a day with her husband… but after that fire last night, she knows there’s far too much work to be done. The criminals needs to be processed and interrogated- they still don’t know just who sent the place up in flames. Not to mention the paperwork…

“Today’s not a good day for that. Sorry, Dec,” she says quietly. “We’re going to be busier than ever. Maybe… maybe next week I’ll take a few days off.”

Declan takes her hand and brings it to his lips. The diamond in her engagement ring catches the light. “A few days sounds perfect. We’ll fly to Italy, spend some time on the Amalfi Coast. It’ll be great.”

“I can’t wait,” Juliet tells him, smiling softly. She leans over and kisses him gently. “It’ll be fun.”

\---

The sun is setting one evening as Juliet lounges on the couch in the Psych office, scribbling notes in a case file. Gus is out, and Declan doesn’t expect her back for hours, so the atmosphere should be relaxed, but still, Juliet feels tense. And it’s not just guilt making her feel that way.

“Shawn?” she asks, her voice soft, lest she set him off. He’s been brooding and snappish since Gus left.

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

“No. But it’s fine.”

Juliet chews her lip, and that doesn’t calm her, so she drops her pencil and winds her hair around her finger. “Is- is this about what happened the night I stayed at your place? Because I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything-”

“It’s not about that, Jules,” he answers, his voice dull. “Well, it is, but it’s not you. I’m just- I’m frustrated with myself.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, Juliet. Just leave me alone.”

“Shawn, you can talk to me.”

“Can I?” He looks up at her, blue-green eyes blazing. “Can I, Juliet? Here you are, this amazing, selfless person-”

She barks out a laugh. “Oh, that’s rich. If I was _selfless,_ this wouldn’t be happening.”

“Exactly! Nobody would blame you if you went back to your fancy house and your handsome husband! I should be thankful for whatever bit of you I get to have, but I’m- I’m jealous, goddamnit.”

“Shawn,” she asks, standing, “what… what are you jealous of?”

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll never be able to give you any fancy jewelry or super nice clothes. I don’t have a huge mansion with million dollar art on the walls. You deserve everything that Declan can give you, and I- I can’t!”

“Shawn, do you think I want any of that?” Juliet’s gaping a little in shock as she walks toward her boyfriend. “If that was what made me happy, if that was all I wanted from a relationship, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“But he gets to have you,” Shawn says, his voice small. “He gets to hold your hand in public and kiss you when there are people around and call you his wife and I- I _don’t._ I should be happy that I get to have you at all, but not being able to call you mine aloud is killing me, and fuck, I know it’s selfish, but to hell with selfish, I’m in love with you.”

Juliet blinks, shocked by the pure emotion pouring from Shawn. “Shawn, I-” but she falters. There’s a big difference between mumbling three words in the dark of night and saying them aloud in broad daylight while looking Shawn in the eye.

“I get that you can’t say it, Jules,” Shawn sighs, taking her hand in his. “But I just… needed to get that out there, I guess.”

Juliet nods in understanding, then pulls him close. She doesn’t want to think about this right now, and they’ve got about two hours before she needs to go home. With Shawn’s skills, that’s plenty of time.

Juliet guides his fingers to the buttons of her blouse and kisses him thoroughly. He gets the message.

\---

Henry doesn’t bother knocking as he enters the Psych office- why would he? Shawn never hears a knock anyway, be it because he’s too distracted or, occasionally, too deep in thought. Unfortunately, it seems like tonight might have been the night to knock. Henry winces at the panting and moaning he can hear from the other side of the office. “Shawn, bringing women to your place of work is unprofessional,” he calls.

By the time he’s taken the ten steps it takes to get to the doorway, the couple still hasn’t separated. Henry’s eyebrows go up as he sees exactly who Shawn’s with. “Okay, that’s _really_ unprofessional.”

“Dad-” Shawn’s spluttering, reaching for words and failing. “Dad, what are you doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing? What are _you_ doing?”

Shawn must remember that his hands are still up Juliet’s shirt, because he hurriedly pulls away and folds his arms. “None of your business, Dad!”

“Oh, yeah? What about Declan Rand? Is it his business?”

Juliet flinches as if she’s been struck. Shawn stands, everything about his body language screaming protection. “What are you gonna do, rat us out?”

“Of course not,” Henry scoffs. “You’re not getting off that easy. This is your mistake, Shawn, so _you_ need to own up to it.”

Shawn glares, but Juliet who speaks up. “It’s not Shawn’s mistake, Henry. It’s mine.”

Henry raises an eyebrow. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Jules, you don’t have to do this,” Shawn murmurs.

“Shawn, I have enough of a guilt complex without you getting into a fight with your dad over this.” She steps forward, and holds Henry’s gaze. Her expression stays neutral, but he can see guilt and torment in her eyes. “Henry, don’t blame Shawn for the fact that we’re having an affair. I- I initiated it. Shawn has said so many times that he’d let me go the second I decided to walk away. I’m the one who can’t give this up.”

Henry nods, watching her with a cold eye. He would never have taken the young detective for a cheater.

“Still, Shawn’s sure as hell not innocent,” he replies. “I don’t know what you kids are doing, but maybe you should take my advice, and stop.” With one last disapproving glare, he turns on his heel and leaves the office. The door slams behind him.

\---

Shawn storms into Henry’s living room as soon as he has a free day. It takes a bit, because he’s a little tied up in a missing persons case, but come Saturday, storm he does.

“Shawn, what are you doing here?”

“Dad, we need to talk.”

“What about?”

“Juliet.”

“Shawn, I’m going to repeat what I said last night: there’s _never_ any excuse to have an affair. Juliet took vows to Declan, and she’s breaking them by being with you. Put yourself in his shoes, kid. How would you feel?”

“If I were in his shoes, we wouldn’t be in this situation, because I wouldn’t take having Juliet O’Hara as my goddamn wife for granted!”

“That’s not what I meant, Shawn. Why the hell would you think this was a good idea?”

“It’s not, Dad! I know it’s not. But I love her.” The admission slips from his lips before he can stop it.

Henry laughs darkly. “Shawn, you don’t know the first thing about love.”

“And you do?” Shawn glares, folding his arms. “You’re standing here lecturing me about love and marriage vows, when you couldn’t even keep your own marriage together!”

“You know damn well that’s different!” Henry slams his hand against the table. “Infidelity was never an issue with your mother and I! Because love _never_ comes at the expense of someone else, even if it doesn’t last. That’s not how it works.”

“Well,” Shawn nearly smiles. “I’ve never liked playing by the rules, anyway.”

Henry shakes his head, sinking into a chair. “Do yourself a favor and end it, kid. I hope to god you haven’t told her what you think you feel yet. Keeping this going is only going to end in pain, for both of you.”

Shawn scowls. “Maybe so. But I’m willing to get hurt if it means I can spend even a few more minutes with Juliet. I love her, Dad, and I don’t care what you think.”

“Shawn--”

Shawn ignores the last plea and storms out just as violently as he’d come in.

\---

Juliet stretches out on the couch in Shawn’s apartment as he moves towards her from the kitchen, two wine glasses in hand. “So, you’re really here all night?”

“Yeah… there’s some sort of work function tonight. Usually I go to dinners like this, and I do like the chance to get dressed up, but this one is company-exclusive, apparently.”

“They don’t know what they’re missing out on,” he tells her, grinning. “Wine, Detective?”

She takes the glass from him with a flirtatious smile. “Don’t mind if I do, Mr. Spencer.”

She can see how Shawn’s watching her, his eyes a deep green as he stares. She smiles gently, and curls her hair around her finger. He leans forward and captures her lips in a kiss.

As they part, she sets down her glass to wrap her arms around her neck. She wants to hold him close for the rest of her life and never, ever let him go. “I love you,” she murmurs, before she can think about it.

He blinks, stiffening in surprise. “You- you do?”

Juliet can already taste disgust in her mouth- at herself, of course. Still, she nods. “I… shouldn’t have said anything, but I do.”

Shawn kisses her softly, his lips moving from hers down her jaw and over her neck. “Oh, Jules. I love you too.”

“We can’t keep doing this, Shawn,” she whispers. _”I_ can’t keep doing this.”

Confusion clouds his eyes, probably at the sudden change of tone. “Jules, you know I won’t force you to stay.”

“But I _want_ to stay, Shawn. I want what we have here to continue. But if I can love you, and say that aloud, and mean it… then I really can’t love Declan.”

For a minute, she pauses. She thinks this might be the first time she’s said Declan’s name while with Shawn.

“Shawn, we can’t go on like this. So… I need you to give me some space, for a bit.” She takes his hand. “I promise I will come right back here once I’ve figured things out in my head.”

Shawn nods in understanding, but his expression is melancholy. “And if you don’t?”

She smiles sadly. “Don’t worry. I will.”

\---

Juliet takes a long sip of her whiskey, smacking her licks appreciatively at the burn. All of the stuff at home is expensive and smooth and right now, she just wants to buy drinks _she_ can afford and consult her partner about this whole horrible situation.

Carlton raises his eyebrow at the large amount of alcohol she’s consuming. “Long day?”

She sighs. “Carlton, I need your advice.”

“Shoot.”

“How did you know when it was time to divorce Victoria?”

He chokes on his own drink. “Jesus. If we’re talking about this, you’re buying.”

“Deal.”

Juliet watches her partner contemplate the glass in front of him for almost three minutes before answering. “I didn’t know it was coming, but also, I did. We’d been trying so hard for so long; it was exhausting. I was crushed when she handed me the papers, but also, it was a weight off my shoulders.”

“But you two had been having issues for a while, right? You only knew it was coming because you’d been fighting it for so long?”

“I guess, yeah. The love hadn’t been there for years. Victoria stormed out of every conversation we had. I could never have lasted.” Staring off into the distance, he takes a long drink.

Juliet fidgets with her wristwatch and looks down. “What if she’d served you divorce papers after, say, only a few months of fighting? Would it have saved you a lot of trouble, or would it have felt like giving up?”

“Both.” She feels a hand rest on her shoulder. “O’Hara, what’s this about? Are you having trouble with Rand?”

“You could say that.” She downs her own drink and orders another. “I’m- I’m a terrible wife. And it’s nothing he’s done consciously, he doesn’t know how I’m struggling and I’m not even sure he’d understand, but I- I don’t want to- I can’t keep doing what I’m doing.”

He regards her quizzically. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t love him, and he’s kind and funny and he buys me everything I could want, but that’s not what makes a marriage. What makes a marriage is mutual, unconditional love. I’ve been married for almost five years but at the start, I was too naive to realize I should have fallen in love before I said yes to his proposal.”

“Well, have you talked to him about this?”

“No…” she bites her lip. “Is it bad that I don’t really want to?”

“Yes!” Lassiter slams his glass down, and Juliet jumps. “You want to leave him before you’ve even _tried_ to talk through your problems!? You want to take the easy way out because you’re _bored?_ Who are you, and what have you done with my partner? Because that tiny cop in all pink who grinned and shook my hand when I was standing there with a ‘touch and die’ glare would _not_ do this.”

Juliet clenches her jaw against threatening tears. She doesn’t get to cry over this, not when he’s right. She takes a sip of whiskey, and then another, until her head feels fuzzy and she can speak without almost crying. “Carlton,” she says hoarsely, “even if we could fix all of those issues, if he could learn to be physically affectionate and talk to me about how I’m really feeling, even if Declan is in love with me… it wouldn’t fix this, not really.” Another sip. “I’m in love with someone else.”

He looks utterly baffled, and a bit betrayed. “O’Hara… _what?”_

“I’m having an affair,” she admits. “I’ve been cheating on Declan for almost eight months.”

Her partner gapes, anger flashing in his eyes. “O’Hara, why would you- why on earth- that is such a _shitty_ thing to do.”

“I know!” She sounds a bit hysterical, and the alcohol is messing with her volume control. “I know, and I hate myself for it, every day. I shouldn’t have started, I shouldn’t have made it a real thing, but I didn’t- I didn’t mean to fall in love, I just… I needed someone to want me,” she trails off. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

Carlton’s gaze is cool. “You want me to tell you to get a divorce and run off with your mystery man. You want me to affirm what you’re doing so you can do it guilt-free.”

She bristles. “Believe me, none of this is guilt-free.”

“I should damn well hope not. Do you really want my advice?”

“Yes!”

Carlton knocks back his drink. “Ditch the side guy. Tell Declan about the affair. Apologize like your life depends on it, and go to counseling, tell him what you think isn’t working. It’s time for some hard work on your part, O’Hara.”

“And if I don’t? If I explain everything to Declan and ask him for a divorce? If I leave him for the man I love?” She watches Carlton carefully, slightly wary.

“Then you’re not getting any help from me. Like I said… it’s a shitty thing to do.”

\---

Carlton may not be happy with his partner, but she’s drunk and pissed off and there’s no way he’s letting her drive home. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to go home at all, in her state.

“O’Hara,” he asks, checking to make sure she’s awake, “do you want me to take you to your boyfriend’s house? I am not condoning this, but you’re drunk. I don’t think now’s a good time for you to face your husband.”

She stares at him silently. He raises an eyebrow.

“You’re nice, Carlton,” she murmurs finally, leaning against the window. She rattles off an address, and he drives.

It’s a bit of an ordeal getting O’Hara to the fourth floor of the building- she’s more drunk than he’d thought- but she knows where she’s going when she gets there. To Lassiter’s dismay, Shawn Spencer opens the door. “Jules! And Lassie.” His eyes narrow. “What’s going on?”

“She’s drunk. I didn’t think I should deliver her to her husband like this. I have to say, I’m about to change my mind.”

Spencer looks nervously at O’Hara, who is too wasted to be of any help. “So you brought her here… why?”

“You don’t have to play dumb, Spencer. She told me she was cheating… but she didn’t mention _you.”_

“Alright, well, you can yell at me after we get her to bed,” Shawn mutters. And, as soon as Juliet is passed out in the bedroom, yell Carlton does.

“I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing,” he snarls, “I don’t know if you think it’s _fun_ to go after married women, if you think it’s a _challenge-”_

“Lassie, believe me, I’m not forcing Jules into any of this!” Shawn backs away slowly. “That’s not how I roll. I don’t do anything she doesn’t want.”

“That doesn’t make you innocent,” Lassiter growls. “She’s married, and you know that, so you’re just as much to blame as she is.”

“I know, I know. I’m not trying to make excuses, Lassifrass. Cheating is bad. I’m going to hell. But maybe I’m going to hell with Jules by my side. That makes it heaven.”

The detective scoffs and shakes his head. “You disgust me.”

\---

Juliet takes a few days to think, after her conversation with Carlton. He’s right- divorce is the coward’s way out. Her options are to do the good thing, the right thing, and try to patch up her marriage, or to run back into Shawn’s arms and leave everything with Declan behind.

Should she consider what’s right, or should she consider what will make her happy?

Even if she does choose Declan, she’s not just going to fall out of love with Shawn. That will take time, even longer if she has to see him at work. She could transfer, maybe… Declan has houses all over the country…

But it’s not what she wants.

Juliet O’Hara dedicates almost all of her waking hours to helping others. Just this once, she desperately wants to be selfish. It’s going to hurt, yes, and not just her. But the pain will fade for both of them, with time. And it’s not just that she’ll get to be with Shawn- Declan will be free to find someone who he can fall in love with, and who’ll love him.

So one Sunday afternoon, Juliet sits down on the couch next to her husband, her mind made up. “Declan, we need to talk.”

“Okay,” he says, setting down his tablet, “what’s up?”

Juliet forces down a wave of nausea. “Declan, I…” 

She takes a breath. Braces herself for what’s coming.

“I want a divorce.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have something to say, leave a comment down below, or find me at trixiesfranklin on tumblr!


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